Last year, this time my drugged semi-concious self was being wheeled out of the OT & back into the room where my family restlessly paced.
I, minutes ago had given birth to a perfect human, a feat I still marvel at to no end.
The magnitude of what had just happened, hadn’t hit me yet. Because the only experience I had so far was of a very tough and an emotionally taxing pregnancy. Sure I had enjoyed all the attention that comes with being pregnant. I had loved the series of Baby Showers thrown and a Godh bharai by the family. I loved the shopping, decorating the nursery, the gifts. I had loved being the center of attention.
But beyond that was nothing but anxiety, nerves and fear. Take care of a baby all by myself? Be wholly responsible for someone who depended on me for its entirety? I didnt think I could ever be ready for such a big role.
When it was time for me to see my little baby in the OT for the first time, I was already been put to sleep by the anesthetician because of a mind numbing pain in my neck and shoulders. But I did clearly remember a touch of warmth and softness rub against my cheek, the feeling of which I can still recall. But that was it.
When the drug haze finally did wear off, I found myself in a room abuzz with happy family members, visiting relatives and guests, mithai and flowers.
I looked at a beautiful little girl asleep beside me in the hospital bassinet but everything seemed like it an out-of-body experience. Nothing registered. Except nodding to the horde of nurses, the doctors and looking at everyone looking at the baby.
It wasnt till I was finally alone with her for the first time after a day and a half. Till I picked her up myself in my arms and just looked at her in wonder. 10 little fingers, 10 little toes.
And thats when I fell in love!
Infact, love rammed into me so hard I had to calm myself down to catch my breath.
I’ll be honest. Its not love at the first heart beat of the fetus you hear during the sonograms. Thats pride, protectiveness and proprietership. Love is what takes your breath away when your baby looks at you with their big wonderous eyes for the first time.
When their hand instinctively clasps around your finger and their face turns to snuggle in with you. They don’t have to be taught or trained…they know you are Mom!
I considered announcing the arrival of Baby M on the blog several times, but each time my protectiveness would take over.
But finally today, as my precious turns ONE; my joy wont let me not share the happiness with everyone around me.
So if you are reading this, please say MashAllah and a little prayer for her.
If reading this reminded you of your own overwhelming time and you are quietly wiping a tear away … *Hugs*
If reading this is making you wish for a baby, my prayers with you. I know its tough waiting, to be constantly asked, to be constantly striving, but trust me…the more you wait, the more your heart grows and the more you love. So here’s a *Hug* for you too.